i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
