70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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