We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
