Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
