True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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