My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
