Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
