Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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