So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
