I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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