Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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