it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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