Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you win again, gameday.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Randomize
