I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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