im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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