Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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