I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
