i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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