I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
