Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
