did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
