Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
