Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
