And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
