yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
