He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Drunk is not a location!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
