I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
