In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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