if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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