I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize