Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
