textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
