i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
