I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
