"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
FUCK WHALES
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
