You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
