Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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