I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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