this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize