Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
