Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
