i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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