There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize