Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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