it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
