I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
