Four minutes until I can fart!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
