So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
