The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I pour the whiskey from now on
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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