Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
