Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
