Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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