Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
