tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
