just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
