You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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