one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize