I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
