mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
