I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
