News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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