'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
