I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
