Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i would one night stand the shit outta him
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
