Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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