You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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