man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
