it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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