So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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