I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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