Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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