Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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